What do you get when a poorly trained, uncooked, Design trainee at Porsche runs away (reasons for exit no matter at all) and is immediately picked up by Nissan’s Performance sub-brand, Nismo, looking for who to direct its Design department for products that “excite customers” but without the huge investment it could have to make were it to go all the way with Williams Advanced Engineering?
Is that sentence too long a question? I apologize! Well, take a look at this:
Meet the ugliest car in Europe from Nissan!
How uglier can anything ever imagined to put on the road, carting people across states and continents, be? Look, style is an engineering discipline taught in art schools and I qualify to speak on appearances because I’m a serious advocate of what puts all the fun and sexiness in cars, not yank them away flagrantly! Call me perfectionist, if you like. Nissan, bad job! O, my gosh, I can’t believe this! Am I looking at a Nismo?
I mean to inform you on Just Jigged! today that my first car was a Nissan hot hatch. I make it sound good. Hot hatch. That car was the finest Nissan ever built. It was from 1978. I bought it used. O, I threw the picture away! Then I resigned from imagining anything stylish from Nissan. Ah, I use the word again. Then I saw the second generation Teana and I thought, ugh, maybe something is good after all about Nissan. Then I learned from the company about its partnership with Williams Advanced Engineering for its Nismo brands. Believe me I almost jumped off my stool with my eyes in the skies imagining how the GT-R would look better than the Jaguar C-X75! And now this?
No, no, Nissan, really a mess! How would you associate this with the same parent company in charge of the new Infiniti Q50? And to know it’s first of all called Juke. Not that the other Juke looked any appealing. It was a hurried mess! Then Nismo. O, poor Nismo! I mean, this is great travesty to what I hoped the Nismo brand would stand for!
Can you believe sales of this very same car between launch in January and end of July have reached 3,700 in Europe, Japan, and the U.S., that is, as reported by Nissan? Seriously? Nissan even calls this an “innovative crossover,” “a global model,” “thrilling and exciting!” Really? My God, did you guys read those right? According to a Nissan head, ‘they’re excited to see that their Nismo models are well perceived by the markets.’ Well perceived! Say that graver, guys, graver! And there’ll be at least one Nismo model every year for the next God-knows-when-number-of-years of the Nissan88 period? What are we to ask from Nissan?
Ok, I’ve been too irritated to look inside or under the hood or to ask about driving impressions. Really, Nismo brings to Juke aerodynamic packages. But I thought taking aerodynamics seriously was responsible for sportscars’ super sexiness? Maybe not here on the Juke Nismo. There goes that name again. These 3,700 drivers don’t care about looks, huh?
Look at that front end like something caught from the ocean and unprepared for land. They put banana indicator lamps right on the hood separate from the round headlamp units, which headlamps hinge under the Nissan grille (talk about unified corporate face) like a pair of forced-to-be-there glowing bulbs! Then they hide the LED DRL under the bumper as if to illuminate only 1 foot away from its halo.
Need I talk about the back? Or the excessive shoulders and fender flares? And the tail lamps that are actually so tall you wonder if they must travel up to the driver’s chest. The spoiler? A clumsy, purposeless mess over the rear window that I’m sure must permit no safe rear visibility. Correct me on that if you’ve driven this, I hate to say, excessively designed car, with no style whatsoever going on for it! Did you notice about 6, if not 7, arches etched on the fender flares over the wheels?
Nissan, when it comes to cars, and for Nismo, Performance cars, look, looks matter! Or so the ranting goes.
Images in this post have come from Nissan and Net Car Show
Just Jigged is about the car we think you ought to live with every day. Each alternate week day you get to learn why we think so of one new release or old refresh. Take a moment to leave a reply and pay this episode forward to your network.